GROIDA!

I bet that startled you, eh? Groida. A name that strikes ridicule into the consciousness of all right-thinking citizens. It also brings to mind the dreadful sounds of someone struggling to relieve themself of faecal concretion. Okay, that's him sorted out. Now onto his wonderful Uncle Lucas.

You may recall we were promised a weapon of mysterious development earlier this month when the harmonium was re-launched under an inky sky. Apparently the inbred locals would be weeing themselves in terror at the sight of this fearsome Behemoth and leave us to our nocturnal maritime salvaging  activities forevermore.  Stealth Nessie. I ask you. I have seen more convincing things with a horsey head stuck on, playfully nudging the local May queen in her upholstery.  Even our pantomime "Ambrose and the Beanstalk" managed a cow with a head that didn't threaten to fall off. Okay, the wheels were a mistake and we don't discuss the riot any more. We have moved on from that.

Auntie P has also managed to disgrace the team. In addition to her role as Gauleiter of the Krazy Kernow Tearooms and Empress Pamela's Chinese Chippie, she has been submitting cookery articles to the local paper under the nom de chaos of "Ellen Hydroflob" and has at the time of writing infringed over a hundred health and safety regulations with her admittedly adventurous, exotic and potentially lethal recipes. The polis are after our hides and she proudly declares there is a book in the pipeline. Strewth.

If all these blows to our posse weren't enough, Groida's croup is back, Mordecai is seeing visions again and according to those "Mythbusters" on the box, Tesla's miniature earthquake device is a load of nonsense. Bugger. I could weep. Civil mayhem denied. I'm getting under me beloved candlewick bedspread and only emerging when I need a tinkle.