Huzzah! Y Nauci 14 is ready for action again. It was worth the ticking off I got from Uncle Lucas who warned me that if I break it again he will not lift a claw to help. He went on to lecture me about people in the Third World who will never own a harmonium and that I had a responsibility to look after mine. Frankly, I think he is going a bit odd.
Cheryl will still feature in the Xmas pageant with her rubber antlers and festooned in tinsel, giving the wee ones rides. I have made it clear to her that any of her Texan bucking bronco antics will not be tolerated. Groida looks quite the part as Santa. As I may have mentioned, I am glad it is his turn this year as the cotton wool beard makes me claustrophobic (and the antennae poking out of the holes in the hood are a dead giveaway).
I suggested he wear the beard on his sting, making him look like an exotic cross-breed (a "scoodle", hehehe!) but he wasn't overly keen on the idea. In fact he called me a rotter and nipped me in my front left shin. The humourless lout.
Anyway, we're all prepping for the coming festivities, including the introduction of deep-fried Brussels sprout nuggets on the menu at Empress Pamela's Chinese Chippie. That should have the punters queueing round the block!
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Nothing To Do With Me!
I wish to make it clear that I am in no way connected to the Ambrosia factory in neighbouring Devon, or played any part in the unfortunate mishap which occurred there yesterday. Anyone whose vivid imagination or prejudice against my good self leads them to fuel such rumours is a sod and will incur my wrath at a later date, once the harmonium is up and running again.
As a matter of fact I was bobbing about just off The Lizard, in a borrowed RNLI vessel, trying to rescue several crates of canned guava chunks from a watery grave. Being denied Y Nauci 14's amphibious capabilities is a pain in the nether regions. Uncle Lucas reckons it could be another couple of weeks before the old girl is ready for the fray (unlike Auntie P, who has been laying down the law again).
I don't know how we are going to pull Santa's charity float through the town. Perhaps I could persuade Cheryl the Frighteningly Large Earwig to do the honours, wearing a pair of fake antlers. It's worth asking, anyway.
As a matter of fact I was bobbing about just off The Lizard, in a borrowed RNLI vessel, trying to rescue several crates of canned guava chunks from a watery grave. Being denied Y Nauci 14's amphibious capabilities is a pain in the nether regions. Uncle Lucas reckons it could be another couple of weeks before the old girl is ready for the fray (unlike Auntie P, who has been laying down the law again).
I don't know how we are going to pull Santa's charity float through the town. Perhaps I could persuade Cheryl the Frighteningly Large Earwig to do the honours, wearing a pair of fake antlers. It's worth asking, anyway.
Friday, November 9, 2012
There is a Crater in Ostend
Look, it was a technical malfunction okay? If I had intended launching a missile at Belgium I'd have programmed it to take out Brussels.
I've had a right week of it, one way and another. Groida wants a train set for Xmas and cites Frank Sinatra and Rod Stewart as respectable enthusiasts in order to justify his own feeble manic obsession.
All I said was I'd paint swastikas on the rolling stock and blow the lot up as heroic leader of the Ambrosian Maquis; it was a bit of fun! I had barely stopped cackling when Auntie Pamela had me pinned against a wall, poking me in the larynx with a toilet brush. There is a culture of bullying around here which will have to be addressed.
Then there are the ongoing problems with Y Nauci 14. Practising my festive medley, I had barely launched into "Mary's Boy Child" when I was enveloped in a sheet of flame and given an involuntary tour of Padstow before coming to an abrupt halt when the half-track fell off. I nearly buckled me schnozz on the keyboard!
I suppose I will have to go crawling to Uncle Lucas for assistance, which will inevitably mean tools being thrown about and lots of swearing in Welsh. Marvellous. Have a good weekend, those of you who still follow me.
I've had a right week of it, one way and another. Groida wants a train set for Xmas and cites Frank Sinatra and Rod Stewart as respectable enthusiasts in order to justify his own feeble manic obsession.
All I said was I'd paint swastikas on the rolling stock and blow the lot up as heroic leader of the Ambrosian Maquis; it was a bit of fun! I had barely stopped cackling when Auntie Pamela had me pinned against a wall, poking me in the larynx with a toilet brush. There is a culture of bullying around here which will have to be addressed.
Then there are the ongoing problems with Y Nauci 14. Practising my festive medley, I had barely launched into "Mary's Boy Child" when I was enveloped in a sheet of flame and given an involuntary tour of Padstow before coming to an abrupt halt when the half-track fell off. I nearly buckled me schnozz on the keyboard!
I suppose I will have to go crawling to Uncle Lucas for assistance, which will inevitably mean tools being thrown about and lots of swearing in Welsh. Marvellous. Have a good weekend, those of you who still follow me.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Heart of Pumice
Do you remember that absurd plot device in "Dallas" when Bobby emerged from the shower, having dreamt the entire previous series? What an insult to the intelligence of you humans.
Anyway, Cheryl wasn't up the spout after all and Groida didn't have his knackers whipped of in Vectis. I'm glad to get that out of the way. We are all a happy crew here in the tin mine, like the Waltons but with more limbs.
If any of you cynics out there think I am devoid of a conscience, let me tell you about the charitable "Ambrose C P Mantis Food Bank" scheme. If you are able to donate any cans of fruit, the Almighty will smile upon you. No corned beef, pilchards or that nauseating Polish garbage which masquerades as ham, thank you.
Auntie Pamela has started her first batch of Xmas puds. She spent the best part of Sunday morning trying to winkle jammed pound coins out of trolleys at Padstow Morrisons but to no avail. If you able to help out with festive moolah, the old gal will be made up. Actually £50 notes would be better as they don't affect the overall flavour. Or pledge your house at unclelucasinapinny.con.
I must get the harmonium seen to. This morning I was limbering up with a brisk arrangement of "Edelweiss" when the display panel lit up like a 747, followed by an embarrassing "unauthorised launch". The missile was last seen heading in the direction of Belgium.
Anyway, Cheryl wasn't up the spout after all and Groida didn't have his knackers whipped of in Vectis. I'm glad to get that out of the way. We are all a happy crew here in the tin mine, like the Waltons but with more limbs.
If any of you cynics out there think I am devoid of a conscience, let me tell you about the charitable "Ambrose C P Mantis Food Bank" scheme. If you are able to donate any cans of fruit, the Almighty will smile upon you. No corned beef, pilchards or that nauseating Polish garbage which masquerades as ham, thank you.
Auntie Pamela has started her first batch of Xmas puds. She spent the best part of Sunday morning trying to winkle jammed pound coins out of trolleys at Padstow Morrisons but to no avail. If you able to help out with festive moolah, the old gal will be made up. Actually £50 notes would be better as they don't affect the overall flavour. Or pledge your house at unclelucasinapinny.con.
I must get the harmonium seen to. This morning I was limbering up with a brisk arrangement of "Edelweiss" when the display panel lit up like a 747, followed by an embarrassing "unauthorised launch". The missile was last seen heading in the direction of Belgium.
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