Well, it seems you did! If you have been wondering where I have been these last couple of moths, yours truly was wandering abroad amongst you, seriously incognito thanks me extraordinary ingenuity and the dressing-up box.
Following exhaustive enquiries across hill, dale and shopping centre I now know the sorry state of canned fruit sales across the Queendom. I believe they could be radically improved with a few shrewd deals with ACP Mantis Trading.
Tarvin Netto, for example. Didn't you twig that Monseigneur Aneurin Poe wasn't just engaged in blessing the fresh fish counter but also doing a sneaky audit of your mandarin segments in light syrup amongst other sundry comestibles?
The good people of Blairgowrie were most welcoming to Luther Stygle from across the border when he came to examine the drains under the Londis store, but you fell for it all the same. £1.20 for a small tin of lychees? Do me a favour. More to the point, I can do you one on reasonable terms.
Detective Inspector Tosh Battenburg of the Canadian Bicycle Polis encountered a less friendly reception as he toured the many convenience stores in Walsall. Bunch of surly buggers. More than thirty per cent of your fruit cocktails and cherry pie fillings were perilously close to their sell-by dates and some had signs of rust. I am honour bound to point these things out and there was no need to be abusive.
Norwich, oh Norwich! Professor Garth Sternum was merely drilling into Tesco Express to evaluate your stock of grapefruit in natural juice. I was never at any time close to the bank vault and there was no need to alert the authorities. I wouldn't have got away in time if it hadn't been for the harmonium's new supercharger.
I shall shortly be publishing the results of me survey and hopefully the scandal will shame the nation. Preserved fruit should be an important part of a healthy diet (I've also got a limited stock of Toast Toppers, Irish Stew and jars of winkles in vinegar). So let's get fit and I can proceed with shifting 500-plus crates currently clogging up the mineshafts.
