Huzzah!

Tha Aznavour Quins are no more. Well, not on the soil of our sacred homeland, anyway. They were last observed frenziedly swimming in the general direction of Gaul, denuded of their bum hairs. It just goes to show that even a ruthless monster like Uncle Lucas can exercise leniency when he has a mind to. With a bit of luck the contemptible, swarthy gnomes will disseminate a clear message across the waves that offending the Ambrose posse will inevitably result in an eye-watering fate.

Talking of booty, we are now richer by five clarinets, several cases of pickled green chillies and a veritable Aladdin's caveload of novelty seaside rock. All except the pineapple flavour which is my favourite and as Director of Punitive Operations I got first bags at. Indeed, I suck on a stick as I compose this missive.

The intelligence report from Auntie Pamela isn't quite as rosy. She had to do a runner from the Dorchester Hotel after a midnight raid on the kitchens. To compound her perils, she hid in London's Chinatown the following day and went on a noshing spree throughout the restaurants. Apparently she has now enraged the Triads and at one point was chased down Gerrard Street by a sizeable platoon of cleaver-wielding gentlemen. I would have words with her about attracting so much attention but I don't relish being stung to death.

I have been trying to keep Groida busy (and quiet). He got bored with the crayons after creating a mural of a weeing tapir on one of the mine shaft walls so I gave him a book of fairy tales, asking him to adapt one for the pantomime. I have no intention of using it but I'll do anything to ensure he is occupied.

So far he has come up with three ideas; "The Egg & Spoon Master Race", "An Unholy Tortoise" and, most mystifying of all, "Wat Peploe Must Be Neutralised". It concerns a plague-carrying door-to-door brush salesman. Strewth.

Anyway, must be off now to tune up the harmonium. She's in fake lighthouse mode tonight. Bro and I are going to take full advantage of the clocks going back and make an early start enticing those container vessels onto the rocks.