I have recently encountered criticism over my treatment of Groida and my misgivings regarding his fitness to participate in the team's daring and heroic exploits. Okay, I will try to refrain from labelling him a dud, dope or disaster-in-waiting, but allow me to explain the sound reasoning behind judging him a liability.
Last summer, my inspired and meticulously planned stunt to sabotage the Epsom Derby was rendered a fiasco by the tomfoolery of the vacuous arthropod in question. I was poised to unleash a devastating wasp attack from the cunningly disguised harmonium, only to find myself abandoned amid the throng while the gormless dullard wandered off "on his own initiative" to work a hopelessly mad version of a notorious but lucrative racetrack scam.
The simplescorpion had learned of the age-old "three thimbles and a pea" trick and decided to improvise and adapt, i.e. re-scale it for his clumsy great pincers. Thus, masquerading as "The Great Turdox", with the aid of a trio of chamber pots and a Maris Piper the size of a grenade, he proceeded to lose our entire emergency fund in under ten minutes. We were also unceremoniously ejected from the enclosure and indeed the course, leaving a thin trail of pathetically tired wasps in our wake. I rest my case.
Excuse me, I have just received a text from Uncle Lucas. He informs me that he has located the execrable Anznavour Quins and awaits my order to give them a bloody good towsing. Oh, that his numpty nephew was of the same calibre!
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