The Ambrose Files #2

More tosh from the vaults ...

15 May
Ah, Sunday morning and families together at play on the Downs! Tested the harmonium's Bofors gun & Redeye and brought down four kites, a radio controlled helicopter and a model spitfire.

At this point a follower interjected. The word "bastard" was used ...

Just misunderstood. Humans are so touchy. You lot would soon come crying to me for help if the Martians landed though, wouldn't you! Good news is I've been asked to play harmonium accompaniment at the Royal College of Nursing's banjo marathon, and as I can hardly turn up bristling with weaponry I'll have to dismantle some of the armaments, at least temporarily. P.S. May do some rocket-propelled grenade trials on Hampstead Heath before too long.

Sunday tea with Groida (aka Round 2)

Sorry for lateness of hour but just got let out of the cells. This time the row started over the use of the name "Melton Mowbray" on pork pie labels. Groida tried to suffocate me with two gherkins but I managed to stun him with a scotch egg to the temple. Suddenly the cuffs were on us and we had to declare a draw. I'll do him properly next time, though but.

16 May
I've been practising on the harmonium for the Royal College of Nursing's marathon banjo gig and have arranged a medley of old favourites, including Claire de Lune, Mammy, Inchworm and Venus in Furs. Some tunes, however, are really tricky buggers to play and best avoided. We maestros call them "accidents waiting to happen", a bit like blowing your nose when you are full of wind and wee. I had a crack at Nessun Dorma but the crib notes I'd scribbled in biro on the keys rubbed off. Where's the dignity in that, eh?

Having the Search & Destroy functions wired into the harmonium's main console is asking for trouble too. I was bashing away at Mammy this morning, pulled out the wrong stop, activated the flame thrower and set fire to the neighbours' washing.
 
Luckily there will be plenty of professional assistance to call upon on the night if anything goes seriously wrong. Nevertheless, I am going to ask for Liszt's Totentanz and There's No One Quite Like Grandma to be scrubbed from the programme for fear of launching the aerial mines and CS gas.