Guns and Wallies

What on Earth is wrong with that loopy juggernaut of a scorpion? Groida has developed a fixation with the picture of Mrs Elswood of pickle jar fame. I have tried to explain that she probably doesn't exist and even if she does, her image has remained suspiciously unchanged over the years. After such a passage of time she could very well resemble Golda Meir by now.

He is having none of it. He is even plotting to do away with Mr Elswood, get a beard and homburg out of the dressing up box and woo her with an impersonation of Topol which any amateur dramatic society with one sane member would reject.

If I have to listen to any more of his mutterings ("are you up for me setting your wig askew tonight, Hepzibah?") I shall bat him with heavy gauge cable. Perhaps I should just plug him into the mains in an attempt to realign the electro-magnetic patterns of his wonky brain.

Otherwise, things are chugging along nicely. Both the tea rooms and fish bar are bringing in the readies, even after we have helped ourselves to a sizeable proportion of the stock. It is ironic that at a time when many people are struggling with diets, we are all stuffing cream teas and fish suppers down our necks. Still, we need to keep our strength up for coming events.

I wish we could dissuade Auntie Pamela from descending on Soho for Chinese New Year. It is going to be ugly, I know it. Uncle Lucas is fitting his bootleg version of the Javelin missile system to Y Nauci 14 in preparation. He reckons the thermobaric warheads can vapourise the interior of a restaurant while leaving the listed building standing. Sentimental old bugger, and this from someone whose interpretation of the "fire and forget" concept is to blast anything in sight and then deny any involvement.

If that wasn't enough, Auntie P is thinking about sitting on the council. Literally, if I am not mistaken. Groida pulled this stunt early last year in Epsom and Ewell, until he resigned following the rejection of his plans for a rocket launching facility next to Big Sainsburys.

More anon. I need a lie down ...