Oh, I wish I was a swan! For a start, I wouldn't have to sit here on me laptop, bringing you bad news. That wily toerag Vernon is on the loose yet again. He managed to dupe the polis into believing he knew the location of a buried Beatles commemorative tea tray, worth £1000 on ebay and scuttled off while they were laying waste to the Lost Gardens of Heligan with their tin spades. Even worse is I suspect we will hear from the wretched creature again before too long.
Groida's firework factory has suffered a setback. The blasting gelignite he found turned out to be even more unstable than Big G himself, so he dumped the lot in a boating lake to be on the safe side. However, like a true alchemist and monomaniac, he has been developing home-made compounds from readily available ingredients, including Ajax, curry powder, crushed Swan Vestas, Dylon and his own dried wee. I managed to persuade him to substitute fruit gums for shards of glass in his "fairy rain" mortars, so with a bit of luck he won't concoct anything potentially dangerous. Well, lethal, anyway.
The largess of his Uncle Lucas and Auntie Pamela seemingly knows no bounds. While their barmy nephew was engrossed in trying to blow himself up in a deep mine shaft, they took the opportunity to invite the rest of us to a newly opened pizzeria in St Ives. Now, I'm not really au fait with this sort of cuisine but I must confess I love the local variations, especially the Mussel & Strawberry Impenetrable Crust. Not with my mandibles, sunshine! The cheroot ash gelato was a bit overpowering, but I suspect there may have been a mishap during preparation.
Anyway, we had agreed to take back some tepid munchies for Big G to sustain him during his crazed endeavours so we began loud discussions about phlegm, decomposition and prolapsed recta to clear the joint and allow us to claim the abandoned meals as leftovers. At first the staff kicked up a fuss, but after Uncle Lucas (with a sardonic grin playing about his normally inscrutable mush) threatened to snip off the manager's feet, we left with a "Groida Bag". Result for the team!
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