Anybody here seen me ole fiend Groida? Can you tell me where the sod is? He cheesed off a lot of people ...etc. Okay, I don't want to be sued by the publishers. I had enough threats to my person after suggesting new lyrics for "The Lost Chord".
If you are not familiar with the maudlin dirge "Abraham, Martin and John" (who they?), I suggest you look it up on the interwotsit. I intend to introduce a version with semaphore and get it performed across the nation in order to find the errant megascorpion. A sort of 21st century "Under the Spreading Chestnut Tree", if you like . Look it up, then!
I had intended asking Auntie P if she would divert from Rhyl on her way home and have a sniff around the Black Country in search of her nephew but (a) he is a pathological fibber and could very well be cooling his heels in Perthshire for all we know and (b) Uncle Lucas is as miserable as sin and pining for her. So I'll stick to me seriously clever plan.
On Wednesday, 26th of June at precisely midday, all Ambrosians and other interested parties across the world will do the "Groida Jive". The actions go as follows:
1) "Has anybody here" - Open arms with palms to the sky (a sort of Gentile "oy vay", unless you are Jewish, of course).
2) "Seen" - Bring a hand up to your brow as if shading your eyes to spy the horizon. Be careful not to karate chop the bridge of your nose. It will hurt.
3) "My" - Arms crossed, open hands slapped against chest. Take care with this one, ladies.
4) "Old" - Wobble a fist at your side as if feebly supporting yourself on a walking stick.
5) "Friend" - Shake hands with yourself. Takes a bit of thought and practice. Not as easy as it first seems.
6) "Groida" - Bring an arm up behind you and hook it over your head. Be sure to make the hand look as much like a sting as possible otherwise people will think you are signing "teapot".
That one line should suffice if repeated for, let's say, a quarter of an hour. Any longer and I might be inundated with compensation claims, so go a bit careful. With a bit of luck we should have the renegade jackanapes and me purloined harmonium back in the tin mine by the weekend.
That concludes the Ambrosics class for today. Next time I'll have me chef's pinny on and will be showing you how to make a yummy "Sloppy Groida" pizza.
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