Words and Music

Strewth! This Janet Radcliffe Richards book is heavy going. Funny peculiar but not very amusing. In fact it could have been written by Groida's mad cousin Vernon. Green paint, falling off ladders and predatory females! Now, as a he-mantis, that equates with being eaten, so I'm not exactly going to hoot with laughter over the subject.

It doesn't help that there are questions at the end of each chapter, as if to check if I've been paying attention. Janet, I hang on yer every word but give us a break, love. It's worse than homework. I'll do it as it's you, but how about a signed photo as a reward? I've asked often enough.

Anyway, I'll persevere but if there isn't a murder or at least a decent gag soon I'm going to take the book back to Oxfam and demand a refund. I'm hoping it won't come to that as the shop assistant befouled himself when I tried to pay for the thing, so heaven alone knows what reaction I'll get if I complain.

Sunday's brass band concert was a let-down too. Mordecai and I arrived after hoovering up the buffet at the Mysore Ass Indian nosherie but we'd no sooner settled ourselves in the park when there was a prolonged clatter of emptying deck chairs.  Admittedly we were a tad flatulent but there was no need for a mass evacuation (if you'll pardon the expression).

Even the band seemed paralysed by stage fright and the conductor kept turning round to look at us, which was hardly professional. Bro asked if they did requests and I enquired if they would consider selling their instruments and opening a whelk stall instead. I think it must have been about then that some sour toad phoned the polis.

The Dead Loss Orchestra decided to make a run for it and Bro came up with the bright idea of living things up with a bit of impromptu karaoke. We had hardly launched into a wicked rendition of White Horses when the bandstand collapsed under our combined weight and that's when the rapid response unit turned up.

I want to make it clear that at no time did I become hysterical. It was merely the effects of the tear gas and I am having a notice put in the local rag to that effect. And possibly getting some T shirts printed.